There is a friendly older man who works at my local supermarket. I first noticed him six months ago when I was
shopping with the kids. He waved to them and smiled. They waved back. He came
over and asked if they would like a piece of ham. He works in the fancy cheese
and meat department.
My children know all the stores to visit to get a tasty treat. They like
to go to “pressing” (tailor/drycleaning) with me because the owners have a big
bowl of lollipops on the counter and they always get to pick one. They know two
different butchers where they will likely score a piece of sausage. At the
fancy bakery in our village, they usually make off with an extra cookie or slice
of cake. They’re cute and friendly, and they already know how to turn on the
charm when there is an edible treat in sight.
It is no surprise then that they are always happy to see their friend at
the supermarket. He often stops what he is doing to give them a high-five or a
pinch on the cheek and some goodie from the deli. He puts his hand on my
shoulder and asks how I’m doing. He knows that we’re expats and speaks to me in
English. (My Dutch is halting.) I’d guess he’s in his 60’s, kind face, quick to
smile. I’ve seen him chatting with other female shoppers, even sharing a hug,
and they all seem glad to see him. Frankly it’s nice to see a friendly face
when you’re doing your errands, especially since sometimes we still feel like
foreigners here.
This morning I went to the market after dropping off my daughter at
pre-school. Time alone to peruse produce can feel like a spa day for a
sleep-deprived parent. Should I get romaine or butter lettuce? Ooooh, or maybe
baby spinach? Ahhh, the endless choices, and I don’t have to rush through the
store, throwing items into my cart before one of my children wanders off or
knocks over a display or rips open a package of something.
I was deciding between granola and oatmeal when Mr. Friendly came by.
“Hello, dear!”
“Hi. Good morning.”
He leaned over to give me a kiss on the cheek and then a hug. Too much
of a hug. Far too much. My breasts were pressed against his chest and I felt
his hands on my back.
I’m a hugger, and rarely have a problem with someone touching me, even a stranger. I am affectionate with my friends and family.
My kids usually have lipstick all over their faces because I can’t stop kissing
them. When I walk with girlfriends, I link my arm through theirs. Most people do
not have enough platonic physical contact…it’s a reflex for me to touch others
in a comforting, supportive, loving way. I acknowledge, however, that when I
hug male friends, I subconsciously make my chest concave so that there is not
too much contact. Maybe this is a hang-up because I’m busty. Maybe not. Twenty-plus
years ago, a creepy (but insightful) guy told me that men like to hug busty
women because they became aroused feeling their breasts. This could be total
bullshit, but it lodged in my brain for better or for worse.
The hug from Mr. Friendly lasted only a second but it made me
interminably uncomfortable. I crossed my arms over my chest defensively while
he chatted with me about the children, the weather. When I finally excused myself to continue my
shopping he leaned in again and gave me a half-hug. My arms were wrapped tightly in their
protective position so he was not able to get close the second time.
If you have ever nursed a baby, you know that there are many sensations
that awaken in the breasts, some of which are painful or unpleasant. This
unwelcome contact provoked a visceral reaction across my chest, as if my
breasts were rejecting the assault.
I continued my marketing feeling very unsettled. “Well, maybe he was
having a bad day and needed some kind of affection?” I thought. My breasts
answered, “that’s not our fucking problem.”
I made my way around the store, crossing things off my list. And then,
there was Mr. Friendly again. I’m hoping it was a coincidence.
“Oh, Hi again!”
“Yeah, just finishing up.” I smiled weakly. “I’m really tired (truth)
and I want get home.”
“Oh, you’re tired?”
“My little girl didn’t sleep well so…”
“I was going to ask if your husband was, you know, keeping you up.” He
laughed and winked.
I fake laughed in response and swatted away the suggestion with my
shopping list. I escaped further conversation
with Mr. Friendly and rushed toward the check-out. I still had items to get on
my shopping list, most notably ham for today’s lunch, but there was no fucking
way I was going anywhere near the deli counter.
While I was bagging my groceries, I kept running over the “innocuous” comment
in my head. “Did he just ask about my sex life?! After he hugged me like that?!”
I was livid.
In the parking lot, I ran into another mom I know. After exchanging
pleasantries, I told her what happened. I just had to tell someone, another
woman. I didn’t even mention the comment just the hug. “Ugh, that’s awful. I
totally know how you feel. I saw a former colleague the other day and he got
way too close, holding and kissing me. It was so inappropriate.”
And that, Friendlies, is the problem. Probably every woman in the world
knows how I feel because women have to deal with this crap, these kinds of
unwanted advances and inappropriate comments, ALL THE FUCKING TIME. EVERY DAY.
Not just at the club when we’re rocking a hot outfit, but even in the market at
9:15 on a Thursday morning.
This is one of the reasons women are so heart-broken and horrified that
a piece of human garbage is sitting in the White House. This is one of the
reasons millions of women marched. Despite the myriad reasons he is unqualified
for the job, his disdain for women, his cavalier attitude about sexual assault (yes,
grabbing someone by the pussy is assault), should have been the end of his
story. Instead, it has given men all over
the world the green light to (continue to) harass women, to threaten them with
sexual violence, to be “inappropriate”.
Well guess what, Grabber-in-Chief? You just ignited some Righteous
Female Rage. We’re done with men telling us what to do with our bodies. We’re
done with making excuses for YOUR shitty behavior. We’re done being told we “asked
for it". Sisters around the world are
rising up. And we’re coming for you.