Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Let's Get Physical!

In the spirit of Your Body is a Temple, I decided to dust off my favorite exercise dvd. And when I say favorite, I mean my only exercise dvd. Dancing with Julianne.

Back in the day, my mother had a collection of fitness books and videos from '80's beauty icons: Jane Fonda, Raquel Welch, Jaclyn Smith, and Christie Brinkley. Sometimes I would try to fumble through Raquel's yoga tape with Mom...I was an expert at the Cobra pose, where you basically just lie there and lift your head up a bit. The only thing I can remember about Jane Fonda's workout were her high-fashion legwarmers. Jaclyn Smith's book was a glossy ode to 'natural beauty'... with excellent lighting. And Christie...Christie Brinkley's book was the Beauty Bible. For the sixth grade Cotillon Dance I begged my mother to recreate one of Christie's hairstyles from the book for me. It took HOURS and bore little resemblance to her glorious mane of California Blonde, but I felt super glamorous nonetheless.

I must give a shout-out to my mother here...any non-professional attempting to tame this wild head of curls with a blow-dryer deserves a medal. Thanks, Mom.

I was convinced that the Little Dragon would want to dance with me (and Julianne) and we could have a fun and painless family fitness activity. I'm going to be in great shape and I'll probably win a parenting award for inspiring my toddler to get physical!

I hit play, started grooving to the upbeat intro music, and realized I should probably have a water bottle handy. PAUSE. Ok, now I'm totally ready, this is going to be awesome. Wait, should I be drinking water or is it better to drink a healthy juice? I think I read somewhere that you should drink juice when you're working out. I don't want to mess up my metabolism. No, now I remember, you should drink water during the work, and juice immediately after. I'm going to be so f*cking healthy, I can feel it already! Here we go, Julianne...ok, marching in place, no sweat. Wait, I need to get a towel in case I do sweat. PAUSE. I think I'll put on a headband while I'm at it. Uh-oh, is that the baby? Maybe I should let her cry it out? No, get the baby and just march in place for as long as it takes to calm her down. At least I'll be doing something...hold on a minute, I'm having a déjà-vu.

(cue tape from January 2011)

I slid in the dvd, excited that I was finally going to “work out”. I was sure that after a few weeks following this program, I would be ready to audition for the Rockettes. Julianne appeared on the screen, cheerful, friendly, your best girlfriend, your smokin' hot galpal that you're super jealous of, but she's really nice so you can't hate her. She started with some helpful tips for the Cha-Cha, then explained how to execute a turn in the Paso Doble. Ok, uh-huh, a few false steps and then I was in the ZONE.

Five minutes in and I was still kicking ass. Up to this point, I had been focused on following Julianne's footwork and then I realized the camera was getting up close and personal with...Julianne's thighs. Also her abs. And her hips. I forgot to mention that she was wearing a scrap of lycra that normally I would have found objectionable, but her dancers body is so gorgeous that she was pulling it off. Big time. Also, she is really smiley and cute so it didn't piss me off. Whoever her stylist is deserves a Nobel Prize... or something. I considered getting a bag of chips and sitting down to watch the rest of the “program” like a movie, but I figured that would be counterproductive.

Next came the warm-up with her two back-up dancers. Ok, the cat/cow, neck roll, hip circles. The camera was in extreme close-up. Her lycra outfit was a marvel of engineering. It stretched and flexed with every move but never revealed “too much”. (N.B. do not leave your husband alone with this dvd)

I looked at the clock. Time to turn on the stove. We have an electric stove and it takes a pretty long time to get going and a really inordinate amount of time to boil water. If I started it now, then I could do my workout with Julianne and my bowl of pasta would be ready just in time. Because I was going to really need those carbs after my intense workout. And probably some lean protein. (Carbs? Lean protein? I have no idea what I'm talking about.  What I do know is that Honey eats a bowl of pasta bigger than my head after a morning at the gym)

Ok, so while the water is boiling I'll make some sauce. Let's see, what do we have here? Ooh, shallots. And for the lean protein...lardons. They're cut into tiny pieces so that must be lean. And for a healthy vegetable, champignons de Paris. This meal is definitely going to replenish my electrolytes! Maybe I should add some white wine, you know, to help with re-hydration. Is one cup enough?
Well now that I've opened the bottle, I can't just leave it sitting around. I think there's a French law about that. If a bottle has been opened, at least one glass must be consumed. That makes sense, really.

Waters boiling already. Honey usually eats 500 grams of pasta so I should probably just eat 400, you know because he has a faster metabolism. I know I'm forgetting something. Of course, crème fraiche! (If you haven't met crème fraiche, she is sour cream's more delicious full-fat sister.) Honey always cracks a raw egg over his pasta, but I think that might be too much protein for me since I don't want to bulk up. I'm going for “toned”.

What's that noise? Did I leave the TV on? Oh, riiiiight, Julianne. Damn, I missed all the steps, but I can still get in the Cool Down before my pasta is ready.

I think I'm going to go weigh myself. I'm sure I've already lost a couple of kilos. Now where did I leave the wine?

Have a great work-out, Friendlies, and Bon Appétit.

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