Tuesday, February 7, 2012

All My Exes Live In Texas - Part One

Darlings, in order to continue our ground-breaking survey of the Season Of the Douche, I have unearthed some treasures from the Vault.

N.B. These posts date from the early pre-Honey era (circa 2004-2006), so while the scenarios depicted may not be fresh news, they are still relevant to our study.

Why is it that ex-boyfriends always "reanimate" just when you're "over them", "moving on", "getting married to someone else"? Sorry fellas, but this is a phenomenon that is exclusive to men. Ex-girlfriends do not have the gene to keep turning up like a bad penny. Sure, they may be locked away somewhere, but they don't attempt to regain contact/check-in/catch up after an inappropriate amount of time.

What is an inappropriate amount of time? Opinions vary, but let's say you haven't spoken in three years and the reason you broke up is because he cheated on you with a classless trollop, for example (any similarities to a real break-up are purely coincidental.) That, on Planet Miss O, would be considered inappropriate.

I have an impressive (!?) roster of exes who like to reanimate every so often. I have never understood the motivation. Guys, please enlighten me. Is it to see if your ex is still thinking of you? still in love with you? forgives you? Are you bored? unsatisfied? romanticizing the past? Seriously, I would love to know.

I believe that men have a sixth sense when it comes to contacting their exes.  Not two hours after bidding adieu to a particularly hideous ex, my phone started ringing off the hook. It started with, drum roll please... The Moroccan. Followed shortly by... The Poet, whom, incidentally, I haven't seen in FIVE years, and who, oh yes, MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE. To be fair, I think The Poet not exactly apologized, but at least owned up to some bad behavior in our relationship. I say I think because his call was at an ungodly hour and I was in the midst of some serious REM beauty sleep. Reanimation seldom takes place during normal business hours. (Editor's note: we may revisit posts on The Moroccan and The Poet should I be so inclined. Briefly, they are exes - only mildly hideous - who, along with "Chris Mafia", are MVP's of reanimation.)

I concede that I must be partly to blame. I am obviously not making a very clean, clear break with these characters. One of my dear friends ended a long-term relationship by writing in lipstick on the mirror: "I hate you heart, body, and soul". That's pretty clear.  Doesn't really leave room for negotiation. I, on the other hand, am more of a "Have you packed all your things?" while I attempt to restrain myself from inflicting bodily harm and escort Mr. I'm-in-a-Place to the door. As satisfying as a smack to the chops might feel, who wants to get involved with People's Court?

Update: Darlings, I am suggesting that a cessation of ALL interaction and communication with exes can help to avoid reanimation and thus limit exposure during the SOD...and ultimately help YOU to recover quickly from a break-up. I know that this theory will not go over with some of you.

"But I want to keep him in my life. He's my best friend. Waaah, waaah, waaah. Can't we still be friends? "

And here is where Miss O is compelled to dispense the tough love:

A. Grow a pair. If your ex is like 99% of human males, he would rather stick a pin in his eye than deal with a confrontation and deliver the bad news that he's just not that into you...or own up to being a dick. So you have to have the balls to get yourself the fuck out of this going-nowhere relationship.

B. Can you still be friends? Let me ask you this: do your real friends make you cry all the time and doubt your self-worth? are your real friends inconsiderate and careless with your feelings? I didn't think so. This guy is likely not a real friend...and therefore deserves no more of your love and energy. Sure, there are rare cases where you can remain amicable after a break-up, but they are few and far between, so better to protect yourself and your heart.

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