Starf*cker

Hello Darlings -

In the not so distant past, I wasted a few hours on this celebrity face matching website . Ok, fine, I spent three days and nights. I was convinced that if I uploaded just the right photo with just the right angle, composition, and lighting, I would, at last, be confirmed as the long-lost doppelganger for one of my celebrity crushes: Salma Hayek and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Maybe I could even be Salma's stunt double or C. Zeta's stand-in. Don't judge.

The results of my "exclusive match" ran the gamut from Andie MacDowell=lovely to a slew of Slavic male models=ummmm, ok. Also, Matthew Perry, Heath Ledger (RIP), Christie Brinkley, Lucy Liu, Chuck Palahniuk, and Heather Locklear. As you can see, it's astoundingly accurate. After my 15th (!) upload, the matcher told me I bore a verrrry distant resemblance to Penelope Cruz, who is best friends with Salma, so that was good enough for me.

Next scene:
Once upon a time, I dated a "person" of dubious character. While this creature was of the male gender, I hesitate to use the term "man" because this cretin was frankly unworthy of the title. Our story was completely ill-advised, and from the get-go, I wondered how I would be able to extricate myself. It was not my finest hour, but has provided me with some excellent horror stories.

On one of our dates, we started talking about movies/entertainment and came upon the timeless (and telling) question: who is your celebrity crush? After a moment of reflection, I rattled off (in no particular order):
George Clooney
Eric Bana
Hugh Jackman
Daniel Craig
Clive Owen
Sean Connery (circa Thunderball. actually circa anything)
Antonio Banderas (pre-"Trashy Melanie Bad Dye-job")
Daniel Day Lewis (circa Last of the Mohicans)
Johnny Depp
Jason Statham
not super original, I know, but your solid A-list of classy Brit/Aussie action bad-asses plus a few bonuses

Then I asked the "person" for his crushes. Wait for it. I was hopeful that his list would include Salma and/or Catherine (my doppelgangers) or Angie (granted, she's a skeletor, but there's no denying that her face is fabulous) or I don't know, Eva Green ( la classe) or Eva Mendes (she's borderline trashy, but I get the appeal, plus she has excellent eyebrows). Give me your Natalie Portmans, your Scarlett Johanssons. Or rock it old school and hit me with Sharon Stone or Kim Basinger.  I said Wait. For. It.

For a moment, I thought "he" would pleasantly surprise me and name a diva like Beyonce or J-Lo. Alas, no. I scrolled through my mental list of alleged sex-symbols. Maybe this creature would blow my mind and say Marilyn or Sophia. Or Dita! Friends, denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

It wasn't just the name of his crush that made me want to run screaming, it was the way he said it. There was a glazing over the eyes and a foamy saliva bubble at the corner of his mouth when he uttered those two shocking words: Mariah. Carey. Mariah Frackin' Carey. Don't get me wrong, I love me some "All I want for Christmas", but COME ON. Aim Higher.  "Ooooh, and Alyssa Milano," his voice was strained, and I horribly imagined his "alone time" in a teenage room wallpapered with Who's the Boss? posters.

Darlings, it takes a village, and there is no accounting for taste, but I'm sorry, Mariah Carey is a dealbreaker. Period. The End.

Miss O, Arbiter of Taste since 1986.