Friday, January 20, 2012

Stranger than Fiction

Darlings, thank you for your enthusiastic response to Miss O's teachings on the Season of the Douche. Since I love real-life, "ripped from the headlines" teaching examples, I offer this gem, which, fortunately, dates from last year's S-O-D.  The level of douchebaggery is too hilarious not to share again.

This communique arrived in my inbox on Thursday, December 30, 2010: 
"Hi [Miss O], I was cleaning up my email folder and saw your message.  I don't think we had the chance to get acquainted.  I am not sure if you're still single or not but if you are, do you have an interest to speak by phone and make plans to meet soon, maybe even spend the coming weekend together or the following one? I am being genuine about this so let me know.  Where do you live by the way and what's your phone number to call you, assuming you're interested to hear from me."

I rubbed my eyes in disbelief. Attached was an e-mail exchange from, wait for it...2006!!!!!
OK, where do I start?
A. Gotta give a guy credit for trying.
But B. You must be crazy thinking you can ask me out for the weekend on Thursday. Girl, please.
Moreover C. You're asking me out for New Years Eve on December 30th? Bitch, I know you just didn't.
Mostly D.  You last contacted me in Two thousand-fucking-SIX. Have I been in a coma for four years? Have YOU?
You can bet your Darling asses, I will respond.  It won't be as scathing as you might imagine. 

Something like: Dear Person, thank you for your note which I read with...horror/shock/amusement. Perhaps you have been in the witness protection program for the last four years, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt for the egregious delay. Where do I live, by the way? In FRANCE. Alas, I am not single. I am married and my husband carries a gun. No, I'm not kidding. Best of luck in your future romantic pursuits. Might I suggest that a timely response is more effective than one that is FOUR YEARS LATE? Cordially, Miss O
You're welcome, Darlings.
Miss O, telling it like it is since 1988.